


Suffocate

by skarlatha



Category: The Walking Dead (TV), The Walking Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s02e12 Better Angels, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Instability, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:31:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2701373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skarlatha/pseuds/skarlatha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane and Rick have been lovers for years, but they've never talked about it. Now they're standing in a dark field with Shane's gun pointed at Rick's head, and this may be the last chance they have to say what they need to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffocate

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through S2 E12, "Better Angels." Like, major spoilers, yo. You have been warned.

The thing is that your best friend died when that bastard shot him, when you should have saved him by just doing your damn job and watching his back instead of letting yourself get turned on by the way he just stood up and shook off the shots to his chest like they were nothing, like he was as bulletproof as he always seemed to be. He’s been dead since then, and you said your goodbyes, and the man walking out of the woods in front of you isn’t him. This isn’t Rick. This is the dead version of him that we all turn into sooner or later, only his skin hasn’t started to peel off and his eyes haven't started to whiten and he’s walking away from you instead of toward you. But it’s only a matter of time.

I need him to turn around and lunge for me because someone needs to put a bullet in his head and it needs to be me and I can’t do it if he’s not coming at me. Maybe I can’t do it at all.

You thought you could, before. How many times since he walked up into the camp that day have you stood over him at night with the barrel of a gun against his temple? Do it, Shane. Do it. You should have done it then and you need to do it now.

But I never did it before because when he’s sleeping he looks like the real Rick, my Rick, the one that I should have never had to see again because he’s dead. The real Rick, the one before. The one whose tongue used to taste like butterscotch and home. He wasn’t meant for this world and neither was I.

None of us were. But Dale was right, this is your world now. You are not the same Shane you used to be when everything was perfect, when Rick was alive. We’re all monsters now and we shouldn’t be but it’s too late for you now and it’s not too late for him. He’s turning but he isn’t turned yet. This is the moment.

He doesn’t know. I never told him. How can I kill him when he doesn’t know?

Then tell him. Shoot him in the chest to take him down and then tell him before you slide the bullet easy between his eyes. It’s closure. It’s what the funeral homes were for back when death meant anything. It’s what you should have done in the hospital. You should have said it then, with his eyes closed and the machines beeping, and then you should have shot him and you should have shot yourself too, right there, because you can’t live without him and you know it.

But I couldn't do it then. Because of Carl.

Carl doesn’t matter. You’ve already fucked Carl up like you fuck everything up. You have to protect Carl because you promised Rick you would, but Carl is dead too, just like everyone else. No. The baby matters. You have to save the baby because the baby is Rick. The baby is Rick-Before. The baby can be the one to save you. You can raise the baby right and the baby can be what matters.

But if the baby is mine…

It’s not.

It is.

It doesn’t matter. Before all of this started you were Rick and Rick was you and so it doesn’t matter because the baby is Rick. The baby is your redemption and this Rick, Now-Rick, can't take care of it. Not like you can. Because this Rick doesn't know the real Rick like you do. No one does.

No one knows the real me like he does either. If he dies then no one ever will again.

There is no you anymore. There is only the baby.

And Lori.

It's never been about Lori. Lori is a monster too. The only human left in the world is Rick's baby. And you are the only one who can keep it alive.

But...

Stop stalling. Do it now.

"So this is where you planned to do it?"

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. His voice...

No. Stay focused. "It's a good place as any."

"At least have the balls to call this what it is-- Murder."

Fuck. I can't do this. Don't make me do this. He's right. It's murder.

When you kill a walker it's not murder. This is a walker.

His eyes...

No. Focus. Think about his eyes the way they are now. Think about his eyes last week when you were desperate for him and he turned his head away.  Think about his eyes on the bus when he was leaving you. Those are the eyes he has now. Not the ones he had before. He will never look at you the way he did before. Not again. The heat in his eyes is gone. He doesn't want you. He doesn't care about you.

"You really believe if you walk back onto that farm alone-- No me, no Randall--"

Rick...

_Focus._ He doesn't want you. He doesn't love you. You are a monster and he sees it. Do you want to see how he'll look at you after today? "I want you to hush up."

"You really believe they're gonna buy whatever bullshit story you cook up?"

He knows you're full of shit. He hates you. You go back to the farm with him and he'll leave you. Or worse, he won't. And then you'll have to watch his hands and lips move and know you'll never feel them on your stomach again. He hates you. And you'll have to watch that in his eyes until they go white one day. And then you'll have to kill him anyway and at least this way he dies a hero and you can save him through the baby.

You even have a lie ready. Spit it out. "That's just it. It ain't no story. I saw that prisoner shoot you down. I ran after him. I snapped his neck. It ain't gonna be easy, but Lori and Carl-- They'll get over you. They done it before. They just gonna have to."

God. Look at him. He's a soldier. He's an archangel with a flaming sword. He's...

A coward and a walker. Shoot him.

I love him.

All the more reason to kill him before you lose him. Before he turns.

"Why? Why now? I thought we worked this all out."

If you have to tell him, practice it in your head. You'll only have a few seconds between when the bullet hits and when it's over. Have it ready. Make it count. "We tried to kill each other, man. What you think? We just gonna forget about it all? We gonna ride off into the sunset together?"

I can't.

You can. You have to.

"You're gonna kill me in cold blood? Screw my wife? Have my children-- my children-- call you daddy? Is that what you want? That life won't be worth a damn. I know you. You won't be able to live with this."

He's right. I won't be able to live with it. I can't.

You can. You will. The man you gave your soul to is gone. "What you know about what I can live with? You got no idea what I can live with, what I live with! You wanna talk about what I can do, Rick? How about what you can do? Here I am. Come on, man. Raise your gun."

"No. No, I will not."

_Practice it._

I love you.

More than that. Tell him everything. Make him understand how deeply he's fucked you up.

I love you. I have always loved you. You have always been the only one. The man I wanted and the man I wanted to be. I can't live watching you without me. I need you. You could have saved me but you didn't. You wouldn't. So it has to be this way.

Good. Now kill him.

I can't. Not like this. Not unless he picks up his gun.

Then make him. You know him. His pressure points, his hot spots, the way he would throw his head back and groan out your name. You know how to make him come undone. "What happened, Rick? I thought you weren't the good guy anymore. Ain't that what you said? Even right here, right now, you ain't gonna fight for 'em? I'm a better father than you, Rick. I'm better for Lori than you, man. It's 'cause I'm a better man than you, Rick. 'Cause I can be here and I'll fight for it. You come back here and you just destroy everything! You got a broken woman. You got a weak boy. You ain't got the first clue on how to fix it. Raise your gun."

"You're gonna have to kill an unarmed man. Watch my hand. Nice and easy. Easy does it. Now listen to me, Shane. There is still a way back from this. Nothing has happened here. We're gonna lay down our guns and we're gonna walk back to the farm... Together. Back to Lori. Back to Carl. Put this all behind us."

Shoot him.

_No._

_Shoot him._ He has a knife.

_Fuck._

Listen. It's over. You fucked this up too but you can still tell him. So do it. Do it now.

Fuck.

Say it.

"Damn you for making me do this, Shane. This was you, not me! You did this to us! This was you, not me-- not me! Not me."

Fuck. He's right. God. Rick. The baby. God, his eyes. His mouth. He hates me.

Say it.

Say it, Shane.

You're dying. You know you are.

I'm going to die and he's never going to know. He...

Say it.

I love him.

He's right there. He's there and you were going to say it. Out loud. So he knows.

I was going to say it.

Say it.

I can't breathe.

_Breathe._ One more time. Get one more breath and then use it. Say it.

It's Rick.

It's my Rick.

Say it.

He needs to know.

Say it.

Say

I 


End file.
